Monday, February 17, 2014

Do it afraid...

This post is one of many. I am doing a short series so each one will follow the last...please leave comments here, on my FB page, or Google +...and, as always, share!

Trauma.

What exactly is trauma?
According to the Dictionary

1. a body wound or shock produced by sudden physical injury, as from violence or accident.
2. an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.

When you go through something traumatic…it feels like you go to sleep one night, wake up…and the life you knew…the life where things were moving smoothly and in a forward direction with goals and dreams…doesn’t exist anymore. It’s not that it’s been moved somewhere else to look at later, or because a plan didn’t go the way you wanted it too and you have to revert to Plan B, or you have to move a few things around on your schedule. It doesn’t exist….AT ALL. It’s gone! Everything you believe in; your hope and faith…your routine and familiarity…your friends and family…is not the same. You lay your head down on your pillow, without a thought in the world and go to sleep—and when you wake up the life you knew…Doesn’t. Exist. Anymore. It’s like waking up from a coma…and realizing life went on without you.
When you do wake up the last thing you remember is being traumatized...and somewhere along the way your world fell asleep. You feel like you are in a dream with life moving in slow motion. Then everything that happened slams into the back of your skull and your entire world stops…flash frozen like in one of those cheap, end-of-the-world movies. Your insides freeze; your mind, soul, actions, thoughts, emotions…all come to a screeching halt. While you are frozen, everyone else is moving on…and while they are moving on…you are getting left behind. They don’t do it to be malicious or spiteful…it’s because they aren’t frozen. They are moving forward because they are at a different place in their life and that’s the direction they are going.
When this happens there is an alienation that occurs from the family and friends that don’t understand. Everyone knows the saying, “people fear what they don’t understand.” This is very true. The people that didn’t go through the trauma have to process and cope that their loved one went through something traumatic. So many times family and friends just have no idea how to help their loved one and they feel so helpless because they can’t “fix them.” You become a different person than what everyone is used to being around or knowing. And because they can’t make sense of what happened, or what’s going on, or who have become, they come up with their own reasons just so they can cope with what happened to their loved one. They think their loved one has “fallen off their rocker,” write it off as being hormonal, going through the change of life; maybe they need to change their job, car, and wife/husband, or their cat in for a dog. Sometimes they may even slip into denial mode.
Everyone has gone through some kind of trauma. And everyone will experience their trauma in their own way. What might be considered really traumatic to one could be so minor to another. No one can judge people on how trauma affects their life. No one can judge someone on how they handle their trauma…and we definitely can’t judge others on how they deal with someone in their life who has been traumatized. What I will say is: There is no excuse for not being educated on trauma. If someone in your life has gone through something traumatizing and it has altered their life in extreme ways….educate yourself. Don’t hide behind ignorance…or even fear. You may fear what you don’t understand…but try and understand them anyway. Even if you have to get someone to help you…help them. It’s more fearful to lose your loved one...

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Shrewd like a snake!


I was a victim of authority abuse by someone who was supposed to be an elder in the church…he was also married with children…his name is Dale Bro. I was a young, single mother trying to raise my children. I was abused by my husband, the reason I left, and I was tired…vulnerable…and so broken myself. I was preyed upon by a man who was supposed to be a “man of God…” I was helping out at a youth camp. I took along my two older girls so they could have some fun and meet other kids. The pastor was one of the authority figures overseeing the entire camp…helping in the snack stand. He invited me in and we started talking. I exposed a few of my vulnerabilities…he lent an ear and gave out nice compliments. To me it was a relief to have someone just listen…and to tell me I was pretty.

Eventually we were chatting on Yahoo. Started out as normal conversation…the more and more I typed the more he would tell me how he would “make me feel better.” He told me that he would try to make it to my town so we could “hook up. But you cant tell anyone. I am married.” Well, we hooked up...several more times. Lots more chatting….lets meet up again. I even visited his church a few times, sat in the front row, and listened to him talk about God all while he would glance my way and smile. This is where, deep inside my heart, I started listening to the voice inside telling me that this couldn’t go on anymore. The last time we hooked up was in the mountains...things were moving along and I stopped him, it took some force, and told him to take me home. He looked worried…and said, “remember you cant say anything. If you do then I will blame everything on you.” Riiight! Like that makes it better.  

I don’t remember how long it had been before I finally decided to say something. I had someone speak to “an elder” (I really hate that title….its so freaking creepy), and they wanted to speak to me in person…to find out the details. Oh. Joy! Went and said my story. The “elder” listened and said he would speak to this pastor…told me I should have known better as well….but “I will take care of it.”
The last I heard when the pastor was confronted he got really angry. He claimed that I used my female wiles against him. I seduced him and caused him to fall. He fell alright! He fell when he became a coward…when he chose NOT to be a man and stand up for his mistakes and sins and take responsibility for his actions.
He decided to leave the church he was at and start another one. That was it. Nothing else was ever said again…and the few people that I knew had been involved...ever talked to me about it…again. However, I was treated differently by the ones that knew about it. It didn’t just stay in the knowledge of the “elder…” It was talked about and spread around by many. I know this because a few people that should not have known, that I did not talk too, came to me and hinted about it. Nice. I just love how privacy works (I later found out this was not the first time this had occurred). I began to feel isolated…isolated in the church by the people. I had no support group or someone to tell me that it wasn’t my fault…that I wasn’t a bad and dirty person…I just went around thinking I was. I had caused a man of God to fall...

I was isolated the minute I agreed not to tell the minute he told me I was beautiful and had a great body…while reaching out to lightly caress my leg. I became even more isolated when I was asked, by him, to never tell anyone what he was doing. (What “HE” was doing then became my fault and what “I” was doing the minute I started backing off. Funny how that works). I was isolated when no one would help me understand…when there were those that wanted to point fingers at me because this pastor was no longer a part of “their organization…” Once the pastor moved on who was left? ME.  I felt silenced and shunned. I was to bear the terrible secret on my own. I was blamed for my misfortune because if I was truly following God this would not have happened. Really? So….if I was following God…truly following Him….I would not have been sought out and sexually preyed upon by a pastor that was placed there by God Himself? Seriously?

I was told by many that this pastor was a good Godly man. He was good to his kids…loved his wife…was super passionate about his church and the people in it. Yeah. I am sure he was very passionate. He was supposed to be a friend, spiritual brother, leader, teacher…and pastor. He was placed there because he said God called him to be there. He was charismatic, charming, a go-getter, a mover and a shaker. What I learned was he is also manipulative, narcissistic…a liar…an authority abuser and a prowler.
I want to add a definition of authority abuse because this will be used more in future posts:
Authority abuse is any situation in which an authority figure's influence eclipses that of God's or disrupts God's divine order of authority. Basically this describes anyone who places themselves between God and the people under him...getting in the way and trying to take the place of God. Instead of this pastor pointing me in the direction of God...he placed himself in the position of God and lent me his affection...his shoulder to depend on...and gave me the feelings of being wanted...by him.  
Back to my post—The pastor betrayed his sacred trust not only to me…but his own family
and church as well. He was supposed to help others and instead he took advantage of his selfish sexual and/or emotional needs. When I say he violated his church…I am not talking in terms of “his” church. I am speaking about God’s church. God’s people. To this day I cannot walk into a church without feeling sick to my stomach. Part of it is because of this…if anyone has read any of my other blogs you will see there are more reasons as well.

The person with the power…whether it’s a pastor, teacher, therapist, etc…is ALWAYS the one with the highest responsibility. At least that is what I was always taught…

I will be honest and say…did I feel flattered? Absolutely! Here was a man paying attention to me. Here was a man that took notice of me…called me beautiful…told me I had a great body. Here was a man telling me everything that I had wanted to hear for so very long. I felt special so I tried to validate in every way I could. There was also a part of me that didn’t want to hurt his family. After all I did think it was all my fault that “he fell into sin.” There was so much at stake…so I thought…for him. I didn’t think anyone would believe me anyway. It was my word against his. He was a leader, a pastor, a man! He knew so many people…people in higher positions! This was a man who ‘owned’ a church! I wore the scarlet letter…in my mind…and I was afraid of losing everything! And I feel that I did…

I lost my desire to go to church. I lost my faith in God. I lost, what I thought, was another extension of family. I lost my feelings of being accepted. I became known as a seductress….I lost my reputation. Did I get sympathy? Maybe. But no justice. There was no action taken to ensure this never happened again. There was no accountability placed on the pastor. It was a slap on the wrist. Yes, he did leave his church and start another one…but he started another one. There is no paper trail or evidence that this happened. They swept it all under the rug and dealt with him in the least possible way.

There is a scripture in the Bible that I just learned today, in Matthew 10:16:

I am sending you OUT like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

This scripture is talking about the wolves being outside…not inside of the church. Yet, so many times…and I have many to share, this is where I have come face to face with wolves…in sheep’s clothing. And what about the snake part? Because one should never have to be as shrewd as a snake in God’s own house! How many times have I let my guard down…let my vulnerabilities out to those that I thought was my “church family…,” a safe place…a sanctuary and one of refuge? So many times. And how many times was I destroyed by a wolf? Every. Single. Time.
When will it stop? It did a long time ago. The moment I said I was not going to step foot inside of a church again…it stopped. I will never have to worry about being hurt, torn apart, wounded, disappointed, abused….destroyed….ever again as long as I don’t step inside a church.
I am innocent as a dove. I am not without fault…or sin…or flaws. I do place ALL the blame on the pastor. I know right from wrong. But, I am still innocent. Why? Because I was the one who made the stand to make it right no matter the cost. Why? Because I still believe in a God that will take care of me. He can take care of me more than any “church” or building with a cross on it. Why am I innocent as a dove? Because I no longer depend on the church to tell me who I am or what my worth is...I still have a tiny seed of faith left inside of me…this tiny seed grows ever so slowly…but it is growing. I will not allow a wolf in sheep’s clothing to take away the smallest bit of faith that I have left. If that means I stay away from a building with walls, stained glass, fancy pews, pulpit deceits, shallow and hollow worship singing, manipulations, violations, and SECRETS….believe me….I can live with that! And as far as being as shrewd as a snake….Yeah, I got this one covered…

Sunday, January 5, 2014

What does that mean??


I had this experience a couple of weeks ago and it’s so freaking annoying to me that I am still having to think about it…once I was able to process what happened… I felt I had to share.

What makes it ok for a guy to suddenly tell a woman, they know is happily married, they were Googling them at 1 or 2 in the morning? Where did the level of comfort come from to be able to speak this out loud? Especially since there was no relationship in the first place…we weren’t friends…Hell we weren’t even acquaintances! We were taking volunteer classes and had a total of….maybe…20 hours over 2 weekends of being in our class. This guy basically opened his mouth and admitted to me that he couldn’t sleep, wanted to know who I was, and did Google searches on me in the wee hours of the morning. I gave no impression that I was available, unhappily married, single, or looking for a relationship. NONE! I was friendly and kind, as I am towards everyone. I am outgoing and fun, I am just being me. In no way is this an open invitation for a guy to “hit on me.” The complications in your marriage and my kindness do not give you the right to take who I am….the kindness and genuine friendliness…and turn it into something completely made up in your mind because you are not a happily married man. You took it upon yourself to jump into my personal space and invade my vulnerabilities…my kindness and friendliness…for your own personal agendas.

Why is it that men think its ok to stalk women? What I mean by this is many, not all, think it’s ok to prey upon the vulnerable, or at least who they think may be vulnerable. It’s like they seek out a woman who is going through a hard time or they may have low self-esteem due to some reason or reasons…they make conversations with them…become friendly with this woman. They tell stories about their own life, maybe even mention they are married but “it’s complicated,” or “they are going through a rough patch or just going in opposite directions…” just to get a response out of the woman and then base this response on where they should take the conversation. They then think its ok to weasel their way inside the woman’s head to find their soft spots and vulnerabilities and gain personal access. Now, granted, none of this can happen without the woman allowing it too, however, many times the woman is manipulated by the man. I am sure that women do this as well but this blog is my perspective…from my point of view. If you want to include both sexes because you feel it should be balanced then write your own blog about it. This is not that blog...

The man takes the woman’s kindness thinking it’s because this woman likes them in the first place. If the woman smiles at them or makes conversation with them or just acknowledges the fact they are there will cause their little antenna to pop up and hone in on that woman as a potential flirt pet…or potential “buddy” they can hang out with. I understand that men and women will meet, like each other, hang out, whatever. This is not that blog, either. I am talking about men that think its ok to invade the personal space of the woman even after knowing she is married….happily married!!! What if the woman is unhappy? Again, not this blog.

Not all guys, but a lot of guys, are out looking for an easy lay or someone to just have some sex fun with. If the woman is married they are thinking, “Oh goody! No attachments and clean sex!!” If she is single see first sentence. Hey if you like this stuff….married or not…more power to you and again, this is not this blog! This is about someone who finds your name and every social media site that you are hooked up too and starts trolling around on your walls, statuses, photos, mentions, Twitter feeds, blogs, and about me sections. Someone who tries to find ways to “hook up with you…” I don’t appreciate it when I am a nice person and a guy, for some reason, wedding ring and all, still takes it the wrong way. Is it flattering? No, especially not when they know you are married. Not when they know you are married and still say, “Hey, let’s get together and do something”… without mentioning their wife or your husband and doing it as a couple’s thing. That is called….Not having RESPECT. And what does that mean that you want us to get together? And do what? What is it exactly that you wanted to do with me…and only me? Go get a coffee and have a chat about the weather?  What makes me mad is when the guy throws God into the conversation. “I am a Godly man…” Good for you….and what exactly does this mean to you? Especially after you tell me that you were up til the wee hours of the morning Googling me. What does that mean? Let me tell what that means to me…it means absolutely nothing to me. Click on the link to know my experience regarding Godly men….

I know that as a group, and being a human being in general, can open up conversations about personal lives. And even then these conversations are snippets being thrown out in a learning environment. It’s not a speed dating meeting or a singles club where people meet to “find their person…” Its small talk; how many kids do you have? Where do you work? Where did you grow up? But when the conversation does lead to having these questions answered…and among the answers is the person being married, loving her husband, beaming about her husband, and speaking about her husband in every conversation…there should be a BIG freaking clue that this woman is NOT available or interested in any way, she is just being nice because she is a nice person. Nice to everyone!!! Having a commonality, like Starbucks coffee, does not make an opportunity for us to become soul-mates….

So, if one is nice then it’s taken the wrong way. If one is not nice they are called names. If one is nice
to a guy it’s automatically (ass)umed they are wanting to flirt. If one is not nice to the guy, because they don’t want to be hit on, called a flirt, or thought to be coming onto the guy, they are a bitch. It doesn’t work for the girl either way! I wanted to take these classes to learn more about what to do in a disaster…to learn skills and experience so that I am able to help my community. I just wanted to take something that I enjoy. Now I will have to worry if every time I smile at a man, if they are going to take it the wrong way….I have to worry…not them. I think the next time…because I will still continue to do what I love….I will make it very clear if there is any indication whatsoever that they want more than just nice. This won’t happen again…it can’t…because I am just going to have to start paying closer attention. I will also be more outspoken and let them know straight up right then and there. I am not looking for a man…I have one. I like the one I have….LOVE the one I have. I am not looking for a “close guy friend” to “hang out with…” I don’t want to meet up somewhere…I don’t want you to take my niceness as an invitation. And I don’t want your gifts….is this just another way to “hook up?” What made it ok to think we would “hook up” in the first place? Seriously?

Let’s break this down a bit in case there is any confusion:

What does it mean when a woman openly tells a male acquaintance, “I am happily married”?

“I” means “me”, the person sitting in front of you speaking on the subject matter.

The word “happily” is an adverb, it means, blithely; jubilantly; merrily; mirthfully; with happiness, etc.  I’m pretty sure this isn’t difficult to grasp…notice the word “complicated” isn’t in the description of meaning.

This is what “married” implies to me; it is about love, commitment, friendship, doing for each other, companionship, and having a sole sexual partner for life.

Now, for those men who like to say, “I am a man of God…” A Biblical reference on marriage can be found in Genesis 2: 24 ~ 'for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh’. This scripture implies two complete people joined together making one solid couple. This concept shouldn’t be too foreign for anyone claiming to be a “man of God”, regardless of how complicated his life and marital relationship may be. If you are miserable….get out of your marriage. Go to counseling. If she cheated on you then be the bigger person. Don’t try to get back at her by being like her. Maybe she is miserable because she is with you! I will give you a minute to wrap that around your brain and think about that….

*crickets chirping* 

Now….back to the word marriage…

Here is a worldly definition of “married” found in a dictionary; having a husband or wife; joined in marriage; closely or intimately united.  It sounds pretty straight forward and clear to me.

Now, when this woman say that she is “happily married”, that should be a signal to even the most dense. With that being said it’s completely inappropriate to say, “You should give me a call sometime to get together…” to someone who is married whether they are happy or not! It’s just the fact that they are married!  What does that mean anyway?  Call me? Get together?  What will we be doing in the absence of your wife and my husband? Chitty-chat? Maybe discuss the weather like I mentioned above…Will we talk about each other to get to know one another better? Go boating, walking on the beach, enjoy a nice lunch and talk about our relationships, maybe a little tryst, or what?  Are we going to hang out together with my husband and make "google" eyes at each other when he isn't looking?

The whole concept escapes me, it’s beyond my comprehension as those are activities that “I” reserve and enjoy with “my” husband. 
What part of the “I am happily married” allures to it being acceptable in any twisted imagination, for me to call a man, that I don’t know, that I am not attracted to, and have no desire whatsoever to spend any of “my” time with?  I guess I completely missed the bombardment of those pheromones floating in the air during the conversation. They might have been masked by the smell of Starbucks coffee…..my bad!!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Random thoughts out loud....

Yeah....haven't been on here in the last couple of days....well, probably longer but I am not counting. I love to write but sometimes when the head gets too full it gets stuck. One would think that it would be easier to just sit down and write since there is so much in there needing to come out...but its not true! Its the complete opposite. The more there is inside the harder it is to "unthink" it into actual words. I think its because its all scrambled and one has to put it in the correct order to have it make any sense to someone else. I wonder if anyone has this problem....hmmmm

Segway, I would really love some coffee right about now. With peppermint mocha flavoring. That is my all time favorite! Since I am off on an adventure during Christmas time I didn't get anymore so its sadness. Speaking of adventure...I am pretty excited. I get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. Its always exciting when that happens cuz you see the changes in them. Think of someone you hadn't seen in forever ago....even a couple of months can cause a change...and then think of what you thought the next time you saw them. The differences are pretty noticeable. Another thing is....there are some parts of them that didn't change. And this is the familiarity that is comforting to be around.
People change and that will never change....(kind of a play on words there =0) but people, especially those we love and cherish, will always have some aspects of them that wont change. This is what I am most looking forward too. The changes...and the what HASNT changed. Picking up where we left off is so much fun and I love it when that happens. I also love it when we do start right where we left off and their changes start to slip in. (All of this is the psych in me...as in psychology...not psycho....lets get that straight now). And by changes I mean their growth. Their growth and their lessons they have learned...the way they see the world, others, themselves. Especially themselves! I like to see how far they will reach outside of their minds and if they think outside the box...I like to see what steps they have taken and what they saw during those steps. I like to see and experience their experiences and I encourage them to talk to me as if they can actually still see everything. I want to know, and I love to share with them as well, the changing steps of life and what impact it had....the good and the bad.

Speaking of the good...I am blessed. Wont get into detail on how....but still wanted to share.

I enjoyed driving along seawall the last couple of days. First its been warm and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the SUN!!! I love being in it!!! The waves have been playful the last couple of days and loud enough to hear it coming through the windows and I love, LOVE the ocean so it was awesome! Today we had fog....this was disappointing as the sun wasn't able to shine as much as I wanted it too but....fog is interesting in its own way. I think its interesting to me only because I have never really been around fog...I have seen it maybe a few times in my life during my travels but I never lived in a place that had....fog. So, for now, its interesting. But, the seawall! I love the seawall...I am really glad we moved here. I miss Hawaii....A LOT....but I also know that moving here was a good thing. I like being by the water and knowing there is a lot of it out there =0) I am not too fond of the cold spells going on here and there but I think I can survive knowing there are more warm days than cold. And the seagulls, pelicans, and ferries!!! I freaking love ferries....well, boats in general. I love being out on the water just as much as being around it and in it.  My favorite ferry ride was on the Super Ferry in Hawaii in Honolulu...."You can shake the sand from your shoes but not from your soul...."

I truly believe that reading is the best way to travel and live so many different lives as so many different characters! I know a lot of people like romance novels...but puuuleeeezzzzeee....one can only deal with so much smut with the same plot lines for every book. I am talking about adventure, heroines, heroes, mystical lands and creatures, twists, turns, sci-fi, fiction; non-fiction historical stories, psychology, sociology, chemistry, microbiology, pathophysiology, anatomy and physiology, or a mixture of all the above....I could go on! I love my Kindle app but there is nothing like reading a real book until your arms hurt from holding it because you couldn't put it down. A library is truly a hospital for the mind...
Just random thoughts out loud....
Now about that coffee =0)

Monday, December 9, 2013

The sunny side

For my sister... The last time we spoke she asked me to write a post that wasn't so....depressing, negative, angry.....etc. and I agreed. Having my sis point out I need to change my direction a bit was a good because as much as I do try to keep it all in check I do go through moments =) This doesn't mean that its wrong for me to have my emotions. My feelings and emotions are never wrong and will never be judged as wrong because they are my emotions and feelings. But there is another side to me that I should show more often in my writings...and that is my witty, funny, smiling, loving, lively, awesome side and this is what my sis wants me to bring out as well.


So this one is for you dear little sis!

I will be the first to admit that I have a bitter chip on my shoulder. I am also the first one to say I am angry. God, am I angry...speaking of God...I am angry at Him, too. Sometimes its much easier to be angry than it is to forgive. However, I am also compassionate, very giving, and loving. I know what my weaknesses are and I do try everyday to put myself in check with the negative so that it doesn't affect those around me. Because I do know what my shortcomings are, and not afraid to admit them, I am able to always better myself with keeping my attitude tamed...for lack of a better word. I am simply writing, on my blog, about my experiences and how it all affected me.

After dealing with trauma and issues in my life, some self-conflicted...some conflicted by others...I just had enough of everything and so I stuffed everything inside and let it fester. I didn't have anyone to talk too that would understand...and I never portrayed that I wanted to talk about it either because, again, I didn't think they would understand. I write to give myself strength...I write to explore all of the things that I am afraid of...So it is these feelings that I let out into my writings. It is my way of dealing with things...of facing the trauma and getting it all out. I am not negative because I hate life
or people...in fact its the complete opposite. I love life and people. I love helping them and being able to make a difference. When I make a difference in their life I am also making one in mine...and the many people that I come to get to know also make a difference in mine. That's how it works and that is how I see it.

I am going to talk about the moments that made a difference for me. After I went through my "ordeal..." a young lady approached me and said she wanted to do something for me. She wanted me take Kempo classes, a form of martial arts / self-defense, because she had heard about what happened and wanted me to be able to take care of myself, gain self confidence, and not be afraid anymore. She paid for the monthly fee for two years. I just cannot begin to thank her for giving me that opportunity and taking me under her wing for two years to teach me self-defense. I truly believe she opened the door to me being able to channel everything that I was feeling and thinking. I was able to take out my frustrations, anger, sadness, hurt, and fear on body blockers, heavy bags, sparring matches, floor grappling exercises, and all the techniques we learned for the karate moves themselves. I felt emotionally healthier those first two years after than I ever did. Which is why I am looking at getting into it again...it truly is healthy for the mind, body, soul, and emotions.

Another woman that has made a difference has moved away from Hawaii and now resides in Washington with her family. For the life of me I cannot remember how we met in the first place but she was in these same Kempo classes with me and we were able to work together. She is a gentle, funny, caring, and Godly woman with a sweet spirit. Don't get me wrong....she has this other side of her that is completely ornery! She has a mischievous side to her....and she hides it very well underneath all that sweetness. She was there for me. She was kind and empathetic. She was truthful and prayed for me. She was genuine. She took me in as family. And she is, and always will be, a part of my Ohana. I hope that we stay in contact forever!!! I love her so much!

I have several others but will save them for another day. I will honor my sisters wishes and move in a forward, more positive, direction. I cant promise I will be like that ALL the time....because no one can wear that mask for too long...but, I have many great memories to share...there is a sunny side!!!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Why is that so wrong?

After processing things for the past 5 years I have to realize, yes my experience was traumatic, but it wasn't the actual event that caused the most pain. Having one person wound me isn't nearly as hurtful as having many causing wounds. It wasn't the actual event that traumatized me the most it was looking around me and realizing there was no one there to protect me, be with me, comfort me, or just talk with me after. To just be there for me and with me. I felt alienated and weird....I had no support group. I even called a few people, told them about it, and then I never heard from them again. No one wants to freaking talk about it!!!
     I have a handful of close friends that were there and if they read this they know where they are in my life and where I am taking my words =)

I was a member of a church and pretty active in it. I volunteered my time in greeting people, working in the children's church, the worship team. I was active. One time I went and the pastor himself didn't even recognize me and thought I was a new member. I have never felt more invisible than I did that day. This is the same pastor, I later found out, that visited him in jail, and kept in contact through phone, but never visited or called me on the phone. The first person I went to right after I was released from the hospital was the pastors wife. Someone got her and took her out to the parking lot where I was and I got out of the car and started talking to her. She listened, gave me a hug, and then told me she had to get back to her Sunday class but would pray for me. Pray for me? I mean I understand prayer...and I know its powerful and helpful...but pray for me? Thats all she could say to me? Then she left. I never heard from her again. I never heard from anyone again. The youth leader didn't reach out to my girls to see how they were. I am not talking a few weeks...I am talking about months! Even before any of this happened and we, as a family, were unable to attend, no one contacted us to see how we were. Who is a member of a church for years and not have anyone in leadership call them to see how they are if they suddenly stop going? It was close to 6 months...then after everything happened...while I had to go to court and counseling and help my girls, as well as myself, there was still another 6 months. The only reason it was 6 months is because I decided to go back to that church...There was one person I had go to court with me...she was one of the counselors on the Victim Assistant Unit at the Prosecuting Attorneys office. No one else offered, and I didn't ask. Should I have asked? No. I asked one person and they were so freaked out by it I just walked away. Did the pastors wife, or pastor, offer to go with me? No. Did they know about it? Yes. The pastor visited him in jail and knew everything that was going on because he offered to go with him to his court hearing.

Even after going back...no one ever came to visit or call me, or even just approach me and talk to me. If they did it was small talk, they were nervous, and acted like they were in a hurry. If they asked me how I was and I started telling them that I had started having nightmares they said I wasn't reading my Bible enough and that they would pray for me. What? I am not having freaking nightmares because I am not reading my bible enough!! I am having nightmares because I had the crap beat out of me in the front of my house in the middle of the night with my girls sleeping inside....and then I was thrown into a car, tied up and gagged, and then taken 20 miles outside of my town, all my clothes cut off me with a freaking box cutter.....with my very LIFE thrown at me. Its not because I wasn't reading the BIBLE!!!! If you want to pray for me.....just stop right there and pray WITH me, FOR me, AT me....something. Take the time to sit down with me and talk to me like I am a human being....I just wanted....no, needed........some kindness.

I can understand that some people were unsure of how to act around me or what to say. I get that...but to have the pastor, his wife, the worship leader, the other laypersons to not talk to me wasn't right. Either they all need to grow a pair or they need to get off their high horse and get some education on how to deal with things like this. And if they are walking around in the clouds thinking things like this doesn't happen in their church...they shouldn't even be in a position of leadership...(but that's not my call)

But, many people in my life, I could tell, were a little lost in how to help me much less talk to me about it. As I slowly came out of it the first feeling I felt was absolute anger. I was angry at everyone and anything. I did hide my anger....still am. Everyone expects me to just forgive and move on. Everyone rolls their eyes because here I am going on about it...again. Yes, I am going on about it again because people are getting hurt over and over by the church, their family, friends, and society because they are expected to be silent and kind. The ones that have been hurt are "expected" to forgive and move and "be the bigger person..."Because they don't want to talk about it, deal with it, see it, or admit something terrible happened...not to them...but to someone they love. And I do get that. The person doing the hurting has no accountability or repercussions from their actions...but the one they hurt is the bad guy for being hurt...it cannot be this way. Those that have been hurt need to be fought for...even if it comes later....at least try!

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. It really is. I forgave a long time ago...but that doesn't mean the hurt just magically goes away in a colorful poof of smoke. It doesn't mean I am not angry and hurt. And when someone forgives it doesn't mean they have to be kind to that person either. They never have to have anything to do with that person ever again. Forgiveness isn't for the violator. Its for the one that has been hurt. The violator doesn't even have to know they were forgiven.
Forgiveness is all a part of the healing process as well. Its not something
that can be rushed or demanded by others or ourselves. I can say that I forgave him a long time ago. The ones that I depended upon, or looked for, or needed during these times....that's another story. What hurt the most? Having my life almost taken from me at the hands of another...or the people that I thought would be there, the ones I sought and reached out too, for me and my kids, after I survived? Neither one of them I expected......

I feel the church needs to be very careful when they are dealing with their people. People are emotional, feeling, thinking, loving, and living souls. Saving their souls, yes, is important....but if the leadership is not taking care of that soul... the soul will be lost. How can someone entrust their very being....their soul....to be taken care of when all the very essence of what makes up their souls....is not taken care of? Its not the world going after souls and taking them from God. Its the churches taking its very own people away from God. I firmly believe this. The church causes more hurts and wounds than the world ever will. Its expected of the world...its not expected in the church. Well, it shouldn't be expected except now.......its the other way around. I refuse to step inside a church. I had horrible things happen to me outside, in the world, but I was hurt more by the church and what they didn't do...than by what the world did. I was supposed to be safe, secure, and held; I was supposed to be loved, wanted, comforted, and treasured...by the church. The Bible is full of these promises made by God that the pastor goes up there and speaks about ALL the time.....and yet, isn't carried out in that most intimate way. Never have I experienced that....ever. I have been searching for that my entire life!! Again, my entire life and I was raised in churches! I have a family of pastors and NEVER have I felt that. Am I loved? Yes. By family and friends...at the church level...never, have I felt that. Is this something that I should be experiencing from God? Yes. I don't expect people to BE God....just to be Godly....and so far I don't want any part of it.  

Is the church full of imperfect people? Absolutely! Am I imperfect? I will be the first to stand in line to admit that...I am completely, 100%, without a doubt, the most imperfect! That's what makes it so important for the leadership....the ones that are either placed in that position by God himself, or placed there by other leadership members because of God....to take extreme caution and care when it comes to the very imperfect people. Leadership is also flawed....but that doesn't mean they cant do the right thing. Its all about learning, staying teachable, and being there for their people by NOT turning  blind eye to what can happen in their church. Its their responsibility to take care of their people....its not always about the feel-good-in-the-moment sermons...or the once a week worship sessions that get interrupted anyway because the pastor HAS to get his talking in...or there is a time limit because people want to go home and eat....or cuz he doesn't want to offend anyone. What happened to just letting God be in control? What happened to just allowing His presence to "just be....?" Do I sound like I am entitled to certain things just because I am a member of a church? If wanting to be a part of a church body, being guided, loved, thought about, taught about God and His heart, and just wanting a safe place to belong away from the world and all its evil....then, yes....I feel that I am entitled to that.....why is that so wrong?
  
I am still searching...still haven't given up. I don't think that's in my biology....

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Dancing Lessons

Conflicting emotions...battlefield in my heart...storms in my mind. Sometimes I wonder when I am going to be able to put down my sword, shield, and armor...even if it is only for a little while. But, I know that if I do, I will get caught off guard and have no way of defending myself. I am constantly on my toes, being aware...so tired...but no rest for the weary. I think that if I was to rest, and have that chance to be off my guard I wouldn't know how to do it....or handle it. I am so used to dancing with my emotions in my storm...what  is peace? Can one count being asleep as a peaceful moment? Waking up I don't feel rested as I am tormented in my dreams...Fighting even in my slumber... for what? My life? My children? My heart? All the above?


I live in a whirlwind....a whirlwind of worry, anxiety, stress, tears, anger, and despair...hope, love, forgiveness, smiles, and laughter. Dancing always with my emotions....hope with worry--love with anger--stress with smiles--being torn in two.

Am I crazy? Is this what I have to look forward too after going through hard times and challenges; facing death at the hands of another... and surviving? What is that worth to me? To survive death only to end up crazy...and out of my mind? How much can a person endure? How much can a person go through before they crack? I understand why some people are fake. They have gone through so much that if they show just a smidgen of what they have endured they will lose it. ...they will break...and they are afraid they wont recover. They are afraid they wont be able to cope and make it anymore.





I feel like that at times...but, I don't want to be fake. I want to be real...no matter what the cost is. I
don't want to hang onto the despair and the sadness even if it means losing my mind. It will only be for a little while, right? Until the healing takes place and I can be whole again? Are we ever truly whole? This is what I yearn for...to feel complete and whole...joy and peace. If I have to dance through my storm to find it and grab it...and keep it...then let the dancing lessons begin...

Written: January 16, 2008





Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Baa Baa Black Sheep

After I realized I was in an abusive relationship I decided I didn't want to be a verbal and physical and mental and spiritual punching bag anymore. There was just something wrong with all that and so I packed up our stuff and I left. I moved in with my mom. My mom was always supportive and she never gave me grief because I wanted to back out on my marriage vows due to abuse. Thank you MOM! I really love you for that. By the way...do you ever read my blogs?

No one ever really wanted to talk to me about it though. I was asked occasionally how I was, how were the kids, how is the weather? But no one really just took me in and really talked to me...about any of it. There was always speculation and, if anyone read my last post, it was probably because of my fake happy face. "Oh, she looks happy. No need to ask if she is alright. She looks fine." BAM! Off the hook! I actually had a lady walk up to me after I decided to leave a service. I also looked up to this same woman since I was very young. She was beautiful and had a beautiful family...she was active in the church and I thought she would one day be a really good friend for me...a role model. 

Segway....I was in a miserable state. I had mascara running down my face, all snotty and red eyed, two kids in tow, and I looked like I got dressed in the dark. She comes up to me and asks me if I am ok. In my head I am thinking, "Of course I am ok....This is my happy face!!!! WTH is wrong with this lady..." I nod my head yes while sniffling and trying to make this smile that just FEELS like its all wrong. She breathes this sigh of relief, kind of giggles, and says ok she just wanted to make sure....and then she walks away. I wish I had a rock to throw at her....

I know everyone has their problems. I know!!! This lady was even going through a struggle. But, again speculation on my part, she almost acted relieved that I didn't want a tissue, or a hug, or a pep talk. Like I had let her off the hook. This was a lady that I had known for a long time who was in a leadership position. There are certain responsibilities in a leadership position...especially in a church. (Ah, yes!!! Here we go again...never ending my friends...and I am really not on a personal vendetta here. Just telling MY experiences. Theirs could be totally different...)

Segway, again...Now everyone has a responsibility in the church...everyone! But when someone is in a leadership spot....I am tired of typing out position so I am using the word spot...when someone is in a leadership spot, of the church, they are there by one way...God has called them to be His voice to His people. I guess someone could be there because they were asked by a leader of the church....but, they still would need to feel led by God. Leadership is a very important, very stressful, position with a lot of responsibility so its not a spot anyone can, or should, take lightly.

The other members of the church also have responsibilities. We aren't just there to be bench warmers or air suckers. We have to support the church. We have to be willing to be witnesses and servants of the world. We are there to support the leadership and be their servants. (And lets not get all crazy on the word servant...I didn't say slaves. Totally different! Well, supposed to but that's another story).

The leadership is a representation of God. They are God's voice...they are placed in that spot to lead, guide, comfort, love, show compassion, teach, show a humble heart, tend to the wounds of their congregation, calm them, protect them...They are there to give their life to their people...and the list goes on. But, it was their calling...they are the ones that answered YES when God asked them. Like I said they have a heavy burden to carry. They are also only human and NOT God...EVER!!

And this is something that I have to remember. They are not God...but a pastor is someone that was placed in this spot to help the people God has called them to lead on how to stay on a path of God's love and Word. And people could go on about how that's a controlling environment and so on. But, imagine a world without speed limit signs, red lights, stop signs....laws in general. It would be chaotic. The church also has a chain of command.

Segway....because this pastor, or a leader of the church, is chosen by God to be His voice and love, it can hurt a member more when they take that spot for granted. Or forget why they are there. Why it hurts when they play favorites or become controlling of their people. They are not there to control anyone. They are there to love, to teach, and to be an example of WHO God is...not take his place. God doesn't even control people.

Why it can hurt when a person gets lost among the crowd. Why it can hurt when they are tossed aside, ignored, not to be bothered with. Why I felt so alone even tho I was a member of a church of many.

The one that stands out in my mind is when I was young single mom. I was struggling emotionally and just needed a break from everything. The church was having a Halloween....thing...and this same lady was running it. I thought, "If I can go anywhere it should be the church..." Where is the one place that I could feel peace? I thought it was the church. I decided to take my kids and just hang out there with them. I hadn't been there in a while, with everything going on in my life, but I figured it would be ok. And it was the same lady that would be there and I always looked up to her so it was perfect.

Wrong. I got there and walked inside and someone was there decorating and getting other kids all costumed up. She saw me and my kids walk in and said, "you and your kids cant be here. This is just for the kids of the church." SLAP! What was that about turning the other cheek? Yeah, I did that...I fell apart inside. I brushed it off quickly and told her I was there to get my kids ready for trick-or-treating and would be on my way. I just wanted companionship...just someone to talk too...someone that would show kindness...to me.

And its not just this one instance...this was something I ran into a lot. I reached out to several woman of the church many times that I was there. I tried striking conversations, calling them on the phone...I just never stalked them at their house. I was even specific...."hey, I just need to talk can you call me back?" And it was always awkward around them. They never seemed to want to stay and talk. They never initiated conversations with me...There were sisters and they were, and still are, so absorbed in themselves. I was even told by another they were like this and that's how they always were.


I am sorry but you cannot be that way when you are placed...no...when you say yes to being a leader. I FELT like an outcast; a black sheep amongst the white ones. And yet I kept going. Off and on but I kept going. I put my mask on, pretended all was good in my world, that I had everything together...and so I kept going...

Searching and just wanting to belong...but never really belonging...

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Its ok to be human...

You know what sucks? When your mind is full and you cant get anything inside of it to cooperate and come out. Or you are lying in bed almost asleep and this greatness comes out of nowhere and you convince yourself that you will remember in the morning...and you don't...and its lost--forever. Yeah that sucks.....but my mind is slowly opening so I will keep typing...Thank you Chuck!!! =)

I have a lot of dark in my mind and people have to get tired of reading about dark.  They ask where is the light? Where is the happy? Where are the rainbows? There is a lot of happy. But its not the happy, or the light, that everyone has a problem with. Its the dark. Fighting the dark is a battle because there is so much of it. There are so many storm clouds blocking the way. Its a process that one must go through when they are faced with dark....living with the dark and the light fighting for the rights of one's heart. As human beings we are emotional creatures. We are alive in so many ways and we are constantly trying to suffocate our true emotions for fear of offending someone. For that fear of being vulnerable because we might be labeled with a disorder or some other name calling. That fear of our vulnerabilities being used against us in some way...And God forbid we take longer than what society expects us too when it comes to "getting over it..."

And as much as we try to put on that mask of happiness...and fake force that smile...there is a lot of sadness in the world. There is a lot of pain, despair, and hurt out there at the hands of our own kind. We are a mean and hateful species. What is sad is that we are also the most loving and compassionate and yet we choose to be hateful. So all the people that have been hurt at the hands of another put on this fake happy to face the very world that hurt them. People put their masks on everyday so they can seem happy and light when deep down they aren't. I am not saying that people aren't genuinely happy....I am a very happy person and I know lots of genuinely happy people...but we still fake happiness. (other people's masks are their hurts coming through and they take it out on everyone else...different subject...different day)

I don't care how spiritual you are...how not spiritual you are...how in tune to the earth or moon or Saturn you are. At the end of the day you are still a human being. At the end of the day you were made with roller coaster emotions. I guess I typed all of this to make one point...there is nothing wrong with having emotions. Having the emotions control you can cause long term problems, isn't healthy, and this is not according to society rules but human being rules...does that even make sense...and its ok to ask for help and get help and have support. And its ok when your help falls apart with you...it just means you were both supposed to lift each other up. 

Which brings me to my next post....for later.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Darkness and light

When someone has been through a traumatic experience they can get use to walking in the dark to where they no longer fear it. The darkness becomes familiar to them. I am not talking about a spiritual dark or light. I am speaking in terms of emotions. People that have been hurt deeply to the core will start to hide themselves. They began to take their emotions and tuck them away in the dark corners of themselves. This is done because the pain is too much to bear in that moment. As that pain starts to numb they tuck it away even further so they don't have to remember. As time goes on the darkness becomes home to the many emotions that were snuggled away. To bring these emotions back into the light is to bring the pain back in full force.

Sometimes, little by little, feelings and thoughts will trickle to the surface. They come in small increments so as not to overwhelm one's body, mind, and soul.  t can be easier on the person to have their emotions come in small baby steps. It can be easier to handle the light and the fear of having to face the reality of what caused the hurt. If they are not ready the body and mind will let the person know. This is not something that can be rushed or forced. 

The wounds and scars of a traumatic experience do not necessarily show up the next day. Sometimes it can take weeks, months, even years for someone to have their pain and hurt come even close to the light. To think that someone is perfectly OK right after going through a traumatic experience is wrong. This can be simply because others just do not know this. To be with someone who does have their breakdown and call them crazy or unstable is also due to lack of knowledge. Anything....anything at all can set a trigger off in someone. What can seem trivial to one person can feel like the world is ending to another. Its not because of that event they are having a breakdown...its because of a particular smell or taste...something they saw or heard...something someone says...that can cause everything from their trauma to come rushing back to them at full force.

Many times others don't want to talk about or hear about what someone went through...even if it happened to someone they love. (that's another post for later) Especially if its something evil or horrible...vile or sickening. Others don't want to hear about it because they don't know what to say or how to act. They aren't sure how to help someone who has gone through something horrible. They feel like they should be able to fix the broken person and if they cant they simply ignore it. Maybe they are waiting for the other person to bring it up. Many, many times its because they live on a rainbow and to have that rainbow shattered, their innocent world tainted, would be unacceptable. There are a thousand different scenarios...

The only person one can talk too regarding their trauma is a counselor of some kind. There is a fear of talking to anyone else because they don't want to be a burden. They don't want to someone to think they are feeling sorry for themselves. They don't want anyone to think they are crazy, unstable, or depressed. They don't want to be labeled. And even then the counselor isn't told everything because that would mean being exposed...and vulnerable. Someone who has gone through trauma almost always has feelings of guilt and that they are somehow to blame. No one truly tells everything....right?

The one thing that one must always try to remember is that they are not alone. They need to know someone is there for them no matter how horrific their nightmare was...and still is. That no matter where they are in their thoughts, emotions, and soul someone is waiting for them or even walking with them in their darkness...




 
 








Thats not it...

The person that is living now is not the same person from 5 years ago. Even 10 years ago. This person now--is the me that has been on the road to recovery. I am becoming known to me but may be unfamiliar to others. Unfamiliar to even family and close friends. What is recovery?

Recovery is: A return to a normal state of health, mind or strength. The control of something stolen or lost.

What is recovery to me? Its the path of finding me--my whole self--me...as me. There is a desperate and almost painful need to hide ourselves...even from ourselves. When faced with life changing situations, circumstances, or, in my case, trauma we shrink back within ourselves. We take on a protective covering from the outside world because the wounds are still so fresh and have not yet been calloused and scarred over. Our shell becomes who we are.
What my trauma was wasn't the event itself. Yes it was very traumatic and scary....yes, I almost died at the hands of another person. Yes this person was someone I knew at a very intimate and trusting level which made the gash even deeper. But, it wasn't this experience that caused the most hurt.

After it all happened and court proceedings were under way I was approached by someone who knew what happened and was related to person that did it. They asked me if I would drop charges. If I could just walk away and pretend that it never happened. I was just supposed to walk away and not look back. To be silent.

Pretend that I wasn't beaten in the front of my house while my children slept. Pretend that I wasn't thrown into a car, tied up at my wrists and ankles, tied at my throat, and then driven 20 miles outside of town and almost thrown over a cliff, not once but twice, in the pitch blackness of Hawaii. That I was to pretend that my clothes weren't meticulously cut off my body one at a time while threats of rape and cutting me into little pieces and then throwing me over the cliff  spewed out of the mouth of my abductor. Pretend that threats of hurting and even killing my children were blasted at me every chance they could take. Pretend that I was TOLD to say that it was ALL my fault that none of my relationships lasted. Pretend that I was supposed to tell them it was all my fault this was happening to me. It was all my fault they had to do what they had to do. And all of this while having a knife at my throat.

It was like having a gun pointed in my face. Have you ever had that feeling that you couldn't breathe? That life slowed down all around you and all you could hear and feel was your heart pounding in your body, pulverizing your insides because it wanted out? That was me in that moment. My thoughts were going a million miles an hour and everything that happened that night...every little detail, word, look...kept being played over and over.

And then my thoughts slammed to halt...

It was all my fault that it happened. I asked for it because I wanted to take a step back, gather my bearings, protect my children, and just breathe. I was the one that made the decision to leave. I was the one that told the pastor, while he was there, I just needed time away. I was setting up boundaries. It was all my fault because if I wouldn't have left...if I hadn't made the choice to stop living in tents, with an outside port-a-potty and outside shower that we had to haul water for every day, and my kids feet wet and muddy ALL the time because Hawaii gets 450 inches of rain a year (no exaggeration whatsoever), and because I wanted my kids to be taken care of in a much better way...if I hadn't left then he wouldn't have had to do what he did. It was my fault.  Wasnt it? Then it hit me...my actions and my words were being questioned--not his--his behavior wasn't even given a second thought. His feelings, however, were being placed under a microscope...his feelings were being placed before mine...so I must pretend and walk away because HIS feelings were hurt? I wasn't allowed to feel anything  because HE was in pain?

The person asking me to walk away wanted me to show kindness. They never questioned his kindness towards me. I was expected to be kind--which meant I was supposed to allow and accept what happened to me, at their hands, no matter what. No matter the cost to me. I was expected to show kindness---expected to be silent--but expected to love and forgive and accept and be joyful after the hurt. They were out of their minds....

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

What is normal?

     Just wanted to share something that I wrote for a discussion board question in my online class. The question for the class to answer was: 




Formulate a 300-word post to answer the following questions: Define the words normal and abnormal. What makes something normal and something else abnormal? How does this apply to grieving? Does everything, every problem, ultimately come to resolution? If so, how? If not, why not?


     What makes something normal? Society places a standard on what is “ normal.” It’s what society sees as common, typical, usual, etc. “It’ s the normal way of doing things.”  Abnormal would be deviating from that standard, according to society. It is what society would define as odd in behavior, strange, “not normal.”
     Grief is an instinctual, biological response. It’s a response seen in the animal kingdom. We were made in the image of God and He gave us His heart and emotions and the ability to "feel." Grief is a natural, normal response. Who is to say what is an abnormal response to grief? What if that person’s response is normal to them? That is how they are feeling, showing emotions, being able to cope. Is it abnormal just because society has labeled it “abnormal responses to grief?” 
     I do understand that the normal mourning process can turn to complicated or abnormal grieving. Some of these examples are regarding the circumstances of the death, such as a car accident, suicide, drowning, etc. Their own personal history and personality needs to be included as well as how strong their support system is. Gender plays a role in the grieving process. According to society men aren’t supposed to cry because it “isn’t manly”,” shows weakness,” and “makes them look like a pansy.” For women we are expected to cry and carry on and show all the emotions the man cannot or is not allowed to show. The woman makes up for the man’s lack of. This is all from the same society that labels normal and abnormal grief.  
     If the bereaved feels they have no identity without the deceased then who is to say their “feelings” are wrong? God created man and woman and when there are soul mates and they are truly “one” when they lose their other half they are truly lost. They functioned together as a whole and to lose a part of your “soul” can bring feelings of “phantom partner.” Their person feels like they are still there even in absence. They are no longer able to function apart from their loved one because they never had too, wanted too, or desired too that is why they got married. The abnormal part steps in when society thinks they have felt this way longer than what they have set the standard at. 
     What about the person that doesn't grieve after the loss until much later down the road? Why is this abnormal? Just because it’s taken someone weeks, months, or even years to finally be able to let go and “feel the loss” doesn’t make it abnormal. Its much like the brain taking memories and tucking them away until it’s ready to process that memory because to tackle that memory at that present time might be too much for the person to handle. Grieving later might be that person’s survival mechanism kicking in because its just too much for them at that time. When they are ready their minds and hearts will allow it. 
Exaggerated grief and masked grief reactions can also be normal but society has labeled them as abnormal. A person being completely overwhelmed by their loss has that right. If it is just too much for them to handle and they “lose it” or become completely disabled then that is how they are reacting to the grief. That is their biological makeup. What if this is the only voice they have in expressing their grief?
     The masked grief reaction can also be seen as ones natural defenses kicking in. If they do not feel they can openly express their grief then they cant. Who is to say they have to cry and wail and carry on? Who is to say they have to wear black, go through the steps of mourning, or use a handkerchief for their sniffles? To mask their grief because they don’t want to express their grief is not abnormal. Its what that person wants at that time. What if this is their body’s way of handling the intense emotions of the loss? 
     I can understand where the abnormal could come in regarding psychiatric disorders or phobias as a cause of their reaction to the grief. I understand when the person takes their grief too far and they have thoughts of suicide, hurting someone else, going on angry rampages, etc there needs to be serious interventions. But to define emotions, feelings, reactions, and responses as abnormal is really putting a label on that person and “ what society thinks they should be doing, and how they should be doing it, and what and when and where they should be doing it.” Just as I mentioned above regarding men and women; society thinks men wearing pink are gay and that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. That’s why you see baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue. What would you think to see a baby in pink and then be told it’s a boy? It would kind of make your brain twitch because its not “ normal.” Why is it not normal? Because society said so.  We don't have quite the same response when its a girl and she is dressed in blue. I think everyone should wear whatever color they want to wear....I mean, is there a committee out there for what color to wear for what gender?
     I think there is a resolution to every “ problem”.  There is a resolution to every loss, every sorrow, every trauma, every crisis, every moment that comes in and turns someone’s life upside down.  Its whether or not the person wants to take the steps towards resolution. Resolution can happen when they are able to make that choice to move towards complete healing....there is resolution.
Sometimes their choice to resolve their grief is by suicide. (and this is a very touchy subject, I know). Who are we to say this wasn't their only resolution? Is suicide wrong? I feel it is a selfish act, however, we don’t know where this person is in that moment. We have no idea and no right to judge someone who is so low, so full of despair, in their life they make that choice that death is the only way out of it. We cannot possibly know unless we have been there. God meets us where we are at every single day. Whether we believe in Him or not He meets us. God has mercy and grace and knows the hearts of every person. We cannot judge someone and banish them to hell because we think suicide is a sin and that’s it. God can meet them where they are at and I truly believe He gives them a chance; a window of opportunity at that moment between life and death because He doesn't wish for anyone to perish. Am I saying this for my own benefit because I have lost someone to suicide? I am saying this because I believe in God and I don’t put Him in a box just because society, Christian or not, says suicide is the unforgivable sin and that's it. Suicide definitely resolves the problem here on earth for that one person. And sometimes NOT accepting their grief, loss, problem, etc can be considered a resolution, to them, at that moment in time.
     We, as humans, have this  incredible will to survive and live. To find that it just takes the person to say, “I truly want that.” We all need to be here for each other; to reach out too and help be a foundation for those whose foundation has crumbled. Sometimes it even meeting  them where they are at. Meet them in their moment of grief and the emotions and feelings that are being expressed.  What people go through is not because its abnormal; but because its very much normal. We. Are. Human.
Katt

Freeman, S.J. (2005). Grief & loss: Understanding the journey. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole Cengage Learning.
Normal. (2012). Merriam-Webster Online. Retrieved September 26, 2012 from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal
Abnormal. (2012). Merriam-Webster Online. Retrieved September 26, 2012 from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/abnormal?show=0&t=1348670855